Hey everybody, it’s Reanie and I’m finally back! My life has been pretty chaotic this past month and unfortunately I haven’t had much time to blog. As you can see the theme of today’s post is going to be talking about relapse, my relapse to be specific.
(Trigger Warning: talks about addiction, alcohol, and relapse)
If you are easily triggered by any of these topics I’d encourage you to click off!
Life is hard out in the real world, and it’s even harder for those who struggle with the disease of addiction. I wouldn’t exactly say that I left Narcotics Anonymous, I just kind of stopped attending meetings. I was naive to think that I could do it on my own, although realistically I know that people who have experienced specific traumas tend to try and do everything alone. It’s what we’re used to right? Well that’s the first bit of it. I’ve come to the realization that there are many layers to a relapse. Mine started with the time of year. Somehow Septembers have always been the start of my “yearly” downward spiral. This year I completely self sabotaged myself because I already suspected something would go wrong. Coming up with every reason as to why my current living circumstance was horrible and “adding fuel to my own flame.”
In all honesty I was probably doing better then than I am now. As some like to say “it doesn’t matter what you do or where you go, your life will never be perfect.” That concept never appealed to me, until it did. Leaving the place I lived at was a quick and impulsive decision, probably not one of the most thought out choices I’ve made.
Where did I go? Well I ended up back at my mom’s house when I left. As some of you may know from my previous posts, my mom suffers from addiction herself. Within one of the first weeks that I got back, I came home from hanging out with my friend and my mom was drunk. She tried hiding it from me because she didn’t want to upset me, which I think could’ve made the situation even worse. After that I basically gave myself a free pass to drink. It’s easy for me to see now that I took the first opportunity I had to grow and used it to give up. Even though I had a lot of clean time under my belt, 10 months meant nothing to me when I already planned to relapse. Lately I’ve been in this vicious cycle that I can’t seem to get out of. Deep down I know what medicine helps with my disease, and I want to start taking it again. In other words, I need to pray to God about getting clean and I must start going to NA meetings again. Admitting that I slipped up is going to be hard, but I’d rather come clean and get the help than keep lying to my loved ones.
(Disclaimer: I’m not here to blame my mom for my own choices and actions, I’m just trying to provide some context!)
Anyways, this was sort of a heavy topic to write about so I’m going to decompress and I’d like to encourage you to do the same!
I will be posting weekly again so make sure to check back soon.
Until then, Toodles!
-Reanie :)
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