Intimacy After Trauma

I have grown and healed in so many areas of my life these past five years since

breaking free from the game and my trafficker. I have created a beautiful life for myself and continue to surprise myself with all the wonderful things I am capable of, have accomplished and experienced. For all these things, I am so thankful and proud of myself and the woman I have become. I have learned to fall in love with myself and life again. I have found beauty in the darkest of places and continue to pursue the version of myself I've fought so hard to become.

Although I have had many victories on my personal journey of recovering from being

sex trafficked, there is one area of complex struggle that still remains incredibly difficult

and painful for me. That area is sexual intimacy. Before I was fully sober, I was able to

navigate this area with a lot more ease because I would use substances to avoid the

tough feelings that arose around having sex. I could numb myself and escape the

patterns of thinking that made intimacy feel unsafe. Substances gave me distance from

my body and mind, allowing me to tolerate experiences I was not fully emotionally

present for.

Now that I am eight months fully sober and working on dealing with my trauma instead

of numbing or suppressing it, I find this area even more daunting, scary, and painful.

Sobriety has forced me to meet myself fully without escape routes, distractions or

silencing memories my body still carries.

I have been with my fiancé for just over four years and the main difficulty in our

relationship is sexual intimacy because of the sexual trauma I have endured through the

game and from my trafficker. The best way I can describe it is so badly wanting to be

okay and wanting to engage in sex with the person you love the most but having a very

deep-rooted fear of what happens when you do. It is craving closeness while

simultaneously fearing the vulnerability it requires. It's being fearful of that moment your body and mind deceive you and make you feel no longer safe when you presently are.

It’s feeling like a prisoner in your own body and doing metal gymnastics to stay present

and not disassociate from the situation you are in. It's being reminded of the scariest

and most unsafe moments you have experienced and tried so hard to work through and

forget. It’s having your traumas played back to you in your mind like a movie while you

desperately fight to remain present with your partner. What should be a loving and

beautiful encounter of pleasure becomes a painful mental war between what you so

desperately want and the reality of the trauma you've faced. You're reminded that

maybe you aren't in control of your body and your mind like you thought you were and

that's terrifying. You’re reminded of the very moments that broke you and made you feel like you would be better off dead than alive. You’re reminded of the invisible scares you

carry with you every day and it makes you feel so powerless all while trying to make

love to your favourite person.

Sometimes my partner’s loving touch can unintentionally remind my body of all the ways

other people were not loving with me. Trauma lives in the body differently than it lives in

the mind. A gentle touch, a certain feeling or even emotional vulnerability can suddenly

transport me back into memories I never asked to relive. Once I become triggered, my

body and mind begin to betray me in ways that are difficult to explain to someone who

has never experienced it. I feel trapped between the desire to experience love safely

and the fear of being emotionally shattered afterward. One of the hardest parts of this

journey is the frustration and sadness I feel toward myself afterward.

There are moments where I genuinely believe I will be okay this time, that I will stay

present, feel connected and finally experience intimacy without fear only to find myself

triggered again. There is deep sadness in craving intimacy so badly while

simultaneously fearing it. I grieve the disconnect I feel within myself and wonder why

healing in this area seems so much harder than the rest.

This struggle has created great difficulty within my relationship. I want my partner to feel

loved, desired and wanted while also trying to navigate my own healing and trauma. At

the same time, I long to feel understood, supported and safe in the moments where I

truly feel alone. Trauma affects not only the survivor but also the relationships they

deeply value.

This healing journey is far from easy but I continue to show up for myself with courage

despite the fear, the setbacks and the pain. I am learning that intimacy after trauma is

possible and that I deserve to experience love in a way that feels safe, genuine and

free.