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Trauma Bonds

Hello, and welcome back to another blog with Morty! I hope everyone has had a good few weeks since the last blog post! On the other hand, if you had a tough time, and believe me when I say this; you’re definitely not the only one who went through some challenges and is struggling with something. I think sometimes it just feels like you’re the “only one” you know. The only one not doing so good and you can’t help but notice everyone around you is excelling and moving on with their lives. Okay so let’s say, part of that actually is true. That there are in fact people around you who seem to be doing “great” from what it looks like on their social media posts, and let’s be real, at the end of the day, who really knows if they are or not? Only them. The point is, that no one truly knows everything about someone and what they could be going through. But what is not true, is that you’re not the only one going through a tough time. If you haven’t yet noticed, I always like to start a blog like this because you really never know who may need a reminder that things may suck right now, but that it’ll all be okay and that you’ll get through it!  

Today’s blog post is about my trauma bond with my trafficker and how different It might be to other survivors who’ve experienced a different type of trauma bonding. Both bonds are equally traumatic, but with different tactics, situations and experiences. I should start with, what is a trauma bond? Trauma bonds (also referred to as traumatic bonds) are emotional bonds with an individual (and sometimes, with a group) that arise from a recurring, cyclical pattern of abuse perpetrated by intermittent reinforcement through rewards, punishments, and affection. Who may that ‘individual’ be in this case?? Well, a pimp (trafficker). Someone may disagree, but I truly believe that all survivors experienced a certain individual level of a traumatic bond with their trafficker. What do I mean when I say, “a certain individual level”? Well, what I mean by that, is that there’s definitely going to be a different trauma bond between a survivor who experienced a bond with a trafficker on a very “personal” level, and a difference between a survivor who on the other hand was around other survivors who experienced a bond individually with their trafficker, but not as “personal” if I may say, because they were all getting the same sort of treatment by the same trafficker, either around other survivors he has pimping out, or alone at times but not for very long.

The trauma bond that I will be sharing with you today is the trauma bond between me and my trafficker. It didn’t take days, weeks, or months, but years to heal and move on from that trauma bond that I had with him. He is the type of pimp that would rather have one girl than multiple on the go. So, as I’ve mentioned before in other blogs, when I met him, it wasn’t a coincidence. The girl he had working for him had been with him for 10 years. By “with him” I mean; sharing a condo together, sharing a bed together, eating together, cuddling together, going on dates together, shopping together and the list goes on and on. What was my experience? Exactly that and nothing less. Why? Hmm because that was his way (tactic) of making me think that he was “in love” with me. That I was special. That I was lucky to be his “only” one. So, when she finally left him, my drug dealer was the first to find out through my trafficker because he and I had the same drug dealer back when I was still living back home, before moving out. So, when I started talking to my drug dealer about my circumstances back then, he already knew that my trafficker was on the hunt for another girl who had the right intentions and motivations to “make money”.  

Well, that was me. A girl who thought she wanted/needed to make money this way. A girl whose worth and affection were dependent on how much money she could bring to the table and how much she was worth by the sizing of her clothes. A girl who was lost and hesitated to be found/ rescued because of how deep she was in the game. A girl who feared the thought of ever being sober. A girl who knew deep down she wanted a different life but didn’t know how to leave. A girl who sat on the change room floor at a strip club or the carpet floor of a hotel room, crying her eyes out because she hated herself more and more every time she dealt with a client or customer. I’m very lucky and fortunate to say, I’m not that girl anymore. I’m a girl who knew the risks of leaving my trafficker but saw an opportunity and tried. I’m a girl who relapsed before coming to SafeHope Home after going to another HT program but is now sober for almost two years. I’m a girl who knew that this would not be a quick fix and that graduating from a program meant nothing to her if she was just doing it to get people off her back and lie to herself. I’m a girl who promised myself that this was her last program and so I needed to be patient. I’m a girl now that is able to resource other ways of coping with life and emotions, instead of depending on substances. I’m a girl who’s accepted that I might not be making even a quarter of what I used to make a day, but I tell myself that this is temporary and one day I will be able to financially provide for myself in a better way. I’m a girl now who doesn’t seek validation or approval from anyone to live and be who I want to be. I’m a girl who had to work really hard to get to where I am in my recovery and healing journey. I’m a girl who is forever grateful to have had the opportunity to come to SafeHope Home where I’ve been able to flourish in so many ways. Achieve things, I didn’t know I could and learn more about myself that I had forgotten. I don’t usually say this, but I’m proud of myself. I’m thankful that I keep pushing no matter how hard some days may feel. I know that this is one of the hardest things I will ever do, for myself. But it’s because I truly want to, that all of this is possible. Program or no program, you have to want a better life for yourself because you’re the only one who can do it.

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read the blog, and I hope everyone has a good weekend!

Till next time,

-Morty

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