Letter to Addiction

I don’t even know what to say to you. You took so much of my life and myself away. You robbed me, you hurt me, you made me do things I can’t even imagine doing in my right mind. You fed a part of me that I didn’t even know existed, a part of me that I found to be so scary. I still don’t understand how you were able to transform me into a whole other person without my permission. Or did I give that to you because I kept using? You make people believe that you’re helping them but all you do is quickly or slowly kill them from the inside out. You disgusted me, but yet you made me keep coming back to you. So is it you to blame or me?

You came to me when I was in need of not having to feel and I though that’s what you were doing. But then you made me feel things that I didn’t even know I could feel in way I didn’t know I could feel. You need to be put down, not the poor people on the streets ( that are only there because of you) or the women who became a victim to you, and then got left to rot on the streets. I have to be so careful with you because you creep into me in ways that happen without even the use of you. There was a long time that you were the only thing that I thought was there for me. I thought that you were my friend, the only one that truly understood what I was going through and what I needed. The truth is though you were a big part of the reason I was going through what I was.

You have given me a disease that I'm going to have to work on taking care of for the rest of my life. I still don’t know how I feel about that or if I’m going to be able to maintain my treatment. I pray everyday that I can. I really have to live my life one day at a time for the rest of my life, I kinda hate you for that. I don’t get to have a normal life anymore because of what you did to me. You’ve been out of my life for almost a year now but some how feels like you are still right behind me. I think that’s because you are, you are always going to have this hold over me if I use or don’t, and that terrifies me. How can something that’s not even alive have such a grip on me and my life? I don’t know if ill ever come to understand that, and maybe that’s something that I don’t have to understand. Maybe all I need to understand is how to keep you away, and how to manage a life without you.

With everything that you have taken and the bad things you have given me , you did give me something amazing, you gave me community. You brought to a group of wonderful humans who got away from you, or are working hard to get away from you.

We are always going to have some kind of relationship, but I am going to do everything in my power to keep it from being a destructive one. Instead I am going to learn from you and use that to try to help others to stay away from you as well.

I have come to understand that I have and had to fully surrender to you and everything that comes with you. I had to surrender to fact that I am powerless as soon as I pick you up or get fixated on you. I’ve had to surrender to the fact that you are more powerful then me when I use you and in order to protect myself I have to stay so far away from you. That includes people, places, and things that you have been around and that remind me of you. That was so hard for me to come to terms with. I thought that you were the problem not the solution for so long. Till I came to understand that you were just something that I was always using and abusing to try and free myself from my pain. When I surrendered I realized that you were increasing my pain not freeing but actually trapping me in yet another painful situation.

Now that I have surrender I can work on healing the parts of myself that I was trying to push down and hide from. Since I have surrendered I no longer need to use you as my solution. I’m so happy to say that I have turned my will and my life over to something greater than myself that helps me everyday to keep you away. So long and far well to my addiction!