Being kinder to myself

Hi everyone, and welcome back to another blog this week! I hope everyone has had or had a good weekend! Last week has definitely been one of the most hectic ones I’ve had in a while. I have exams coming up, dealing with court stuff, and some personal stuff that I won’t be able to share with you. But basically, I’ve been so stressed and if I’m being completely honest with you, a year and six months ago, I would’ve been dealing with this stress a lot and I mean a lot different. 

In the past, I would’ve used substances to deal with the stress that I’ve been feeling recently. If I’m craving anything about using any substance, it would be to stop feeling. I’m not ashamed to be open about that, because it’s the truth. I’m usually someone who is happy and positive for the most part but recently it has been really challenging to be happy and positive about anything. I don’t like that this is how I’m feeling, but it’s clear that I’m definitely going through some sort of depression right now.

I feel like depression can look like so many different things for everyone. For me, I feel like I’m so self-aware of what it is that I’m feeling in that moment, that sometimes I stop myself from feeling what my body is telling me to feel. Why? I couldn’t tell you. Maybe it has to do with my perfectionism, my overthinking, my past trauma or just all of it. I think all of it makes sense lol.

The problem with this is that it can all come out one day and I could end up hurting someone I care about verbally or most importantly, hurt myself in any way. For example, I was so stressed and hyperventilating crying yesterday that all of the sudden I felt this awful pain in my shoulder blade and I realized right there and then, that my body was trying to tell me something. It was basically trying to tell me to stop and breathe.

I know this blog post was probably not the most uplifting one yet, but I guess it’s a good way to show you that recovery and healing are not always smooth processes. But yeah this week was definitely an eye-opener for me to realize that I need to be kinder to myself and give the support and love I would give to someone else to myself when I need it. Also to keep being that kind person that I know I am to the ones that constantly are there to support me. Because if I’m being honest with myself, I know this week I might’ve been a little on the edge with some of my supports and I want to take the time to apologize. I will continue to do the best I can when my emotions feel like too much in the moment. 

So, I have more studying to do and two final exams coming up that I want to be ready for since I’m very close to being done. So I will leave today’s blog here, and continue with you soon and let you know how it all goes. 

Thanks again for stopping by and reading today’s blog post! 

Till next time,

-Morty