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A Season of Change

Hello everyone,

Welcome back to another blog with Morty! I hope everyone had a good and relaxing weekend. My weekend went by a little too quick, but that’s okay. So as you’ve seen, I’ve always tried to be as honest and open as I can be with all of you, but today for some reason I hesitated on writing this blog and here is why.

I’m someone who will put on a smile and pretend that I’m okay. I’m also someone who will make sure everyone is okay, and then I’ll worry about myself after. I know for a fact, that I’m not the only one who does this. Unfortunately, it’s not healthy or fair to treat ourselves like that (believe me, I might be saying this like it’s easy, but I still remind myself of that every day). It’s so easy for us to treat others with kindness and patience but when it comes to how we treat ourselves, for some reason we don’t know what or how to give that same love back to ourselves. 

So, in today’s blog post, instead of pretending like I’m happy and everything is okay, I will continue to be open and honest with you and say that; no, I’m not okay right now at this moment as I write today’s blog. You’re probably wondering “why are you writing it then if you don’t feel the greatest?” Well because it helps me process what I’m feeling and it gives me an opportunity to also show you, that healing is never a straight linear line. I will try my best to be as open as I can be, but there are some details I’d like to leave private. Let’s maybe start with a quote, to give you an idea of what I’m feeling.

“A season of loneliness and isolation is when the caterpillar gets its wings. Remember that next time you feel alone.” – Mandy Hale

As I read that quote this morning, it made me think about a lot. It also, made me cry about a lot. Mostly because that is exactly one of the reasons why I feel what I’m feeling. I feel alone. I’ve had loneliness in my past, be used against me by my trafficker as a form of control and punishment. I also might’ve accepted and healed the relationship that I have with my dad, but I still feel lonely when he won’t call. I haven’t had a healthy experience with being alone. Which triggers abandonment. But we won’t get into all that today.

Therefore, changes that require being “alone” really take a toll on me. But I’m accepting it. I’m accepting that I’m feeling a sense of loneliness, and that’s okay. I have shared with you the changes that I’ve gone through, such as taking a bus. I was never used to it or had to use it and now I mostly bus everywhere I need to go and don’t mind it. But I also went from eating together with my roommates to now having dinner on my own in my apartment. Both of those are positive steps towards independence, but I had not only those two changes but more such as how to keep a whole apartment clean and it’s all at once. These are just a few examples of things I haven’t experienced till now, that some days I feel really confident at and some days not. But that’s okay, here’s why.

This ‘season’ of loneliness and isolation (like in the quote), for me is this new era of independence where I will continue to enjoy my own company and be confident in my own abilities! But at the same time, I will be kind and patient with myself. Yes, it has been challenging, but exciting because change means growth. That’s why the quote that I shared with you today, really resonated with me and gives me hope. Because maybe that’s just it, I’m this caterpillar who is going through this new season of independence where I might feel isolated and lonely but that comes with new change, change I’ve never had to face alone while I become the butterfly (independent woman) that I’ve always aspired to be.

So whether you are going through changes like mine or something else, I hope you know that you’re not alone. That maybe writing a few things down of what you’re grateful for, will remind you that you are going through changes, yes, but it’s changes that you’ve been wanting/ waiting for. Now you just need to be kind and patient with yourself as you become whatever that is for you! For me, it’s that independent woman who relies on herself and not a man to fulfil her goals and dreams.

I will end today’s blog here and thank you for stopping by out of your busy day to read what I had to say! It means the world to me, to have the opportunity to share my ups and downs with you.

Till next time,

-Morty

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